• Social withdrawal. These withdrawal sysmptoms often stem from feelings of depression, rejection, persecution, unworthiness and lack of confidence.

• Excessive feelings of isolation and being alone. Research has shown that the majority of children who are isolated and appear to be friendless are not violent. However research also has shown that in some cases feelings of isolation and not having friends are associated with children who behave aggressively and violently.

• Being a victim of violence Children who are victims of violence are sometimes more likely to manifest violence themselves.

•Feelings of being picked on and persecuted. The youth who feels constantly picked on, teased, bullied, singled out and humiliated at home or at school may initially withdraw socially. If not given adequate support in addressing these feelings some children may vent them in inappropriate ways...including possible aggression or violence.



Never Bully the Bully

• Adults who respond with violence, force or intimidation are modeling and reinforcing the same behaviors they are trying to change. Children imitate what they see adults do.

• Severe punishment reinforces the power imbalance and shows kids that bullying is acceptable.

• Severe punishment may stop one behavior temporarily but stimulate other aggresive behaviors.

• The child may stop the punished behavior only when adults are around and increase it in other settings.

• The child may strike back at the adult who is doing the punishing or strike out at someone else because of displaced anger.

• Angry children who don't fear authority may become even angerier and focus on getting revenge.

• Frequent punishment may cause some children to withdraw, regress and give up. Others may feel a strong sense of shame and low self esteem.

• Severe punishment is s short term solution that may cause more problems down the road. ("If adults hit why can't I? Maybe I just have to wait until I'm bigger.")



The Shared Concern Method

This method is not designed to teach children how to make friends, or to reveal detailed facts about the bullying situation. It is designed to change the situation by getting children to change their behavior.

Shared Concern involves a three stage meeting process.

1. Individual interviews each child
     7-10 minutes: Interview the ringleader first, then the rest of the bullies if a group is involved. Then the children who are being bullied.

2. follow up interviews with each child
     3 minutes only: The purpose of the follow up interview is to determine if the children did what they agreed to during the initial interviews. If they did, congratulate them and invite them to the group meeting.

Sometimes bullies do not try the suggestions they agreed to try...but they do leave the victim alone. If this is the case, congratulate them and invite then to the group meeting. Leaving the victim alone is an important change in behavior.

3. a group meeting
     30 Minutes: This process may be used in a "Circle Process" using a "Talking Stick". Only the person with the "Talking Stick" may talk...no one can interupt. Choose a "Talking Stick" from special rocks, sea shells or other special items.

1. Meet with the bullies first. Ask them to think of something they can say to the victims.

2. Ask the victims to enter the room. Place their chairs where they wont have walk past the bullies to reach their seats.

3. Have the bullies say their positive statements.

4. Congratulate everyone on their sucess...they have made the bullying situation better than it was.

5. Ask everyone how they can maintain this new and improved situation.

6. Ask them what they can do if the bullying starts up again.

7. Introduce the idea of tolerance....being in the same classroom or school without quarreling, accepting each other's differences, coexisting peacefully, but not necessarly being friends.



Teach Conflict Resolution

Conflict between people is normal and inevitable. Not all conflict is harmful or bad. Destructive conflict damages relationships, creates bad feelings and leads to further problems. Constructive conflict helps us learn, grow and change for the better. We see things from the others perspective. We become more open minded and tolerant.

What makes the difference? How we choose to manage the conflicts we experience. It takes at least two people to start and sustain a conflict. It both agree to seek a positive resolution, half the battle is won.

Conflict resolution isn't taught in a day. For best results you will probably want to use a conflict resolution program.
Note: Research shows that conflict resolution programs work! Students who are not trained in conflict resolution are more likely to withdraw from conflicts or use force in conflict situations. Students who are trained in conflict resolution are more likely to face conflicts, use problem solving to negotiate solutions and have a more positive attitude towards school in general.

12 Tips for Making and Keeping Friends

1.Reach Out. Don't always wait for someone else to make the first move. A simple hi and a smile go a long way.

2. Get involved. Join clubs that interest you Take special classes. Be a volunteer.

3. Let people know that you are interested in them. Don't just talk about yourself. ask questions about the other person.

4. Be a good listener. Look at people while they are talking to you. Pay attention to what they say.

5. Risk telling people about yourself. When it feels right let them in on your interest, talents and what's important to you...BUT

6. Don't be a show off.

7. Be honest. Tell the truth about yourself, what you believe in, and what you stand for.

8. Be kind.There are times when being tactful is more important than being totally honest. The truth does not have to hurt.

9. Don't use your friends as soundling boards for your problems.Talk about the good times also.

10. Do your share of the work.Any relationship takes effort. Don't always depend on your friends to make all the plans and carry all the weight.

11. Be accepting.Not all of your friends have to think and act like you do. Wouldn't it be boring if they did?

12. Learn to recognize the so-called friends you can do without.Some people get so lonely that they put up with anyone..including friends who aren't really friends at all.



Imagine Exercise

• Picture the person in our mind. Is it a man or woman? A boy or girl? What color hair does the person have? What color eyes? What is he or she wearing? How are they looking at you?

• Say to yourself. "(The person's name) is a human being? So am I. This is something we have in common.

• Ask yourself these questions:
   • What do I really know about this person? Where does my knowledge come from? My own experience? Things other people have said? Rumors? Gossip? My own prejudices?
• What might be important to this person?
• What is something this person needs? What is something this person might like?
• What are some reasons this persons acts the way they do?
• What problems might this person have?
• What might this person be struggling with?
• What might this person be afraid of?
• What might his person wish he or she could do?



Adjective Name Game

Preparation:
English lesson. Define noun and adjective.

Have the child pick a positive adjective, which describes themselves. The adjective must begin with the first letter of their first name. You may need to have a discussion about what positive adjectives beginning the first letter of their name might mean.

Examples: Helpful Herb       Caring Cami       Thoughtful Thomas       Joyful Jayden

If the child picks an adjective name such as Beautiful Betty and Cool Charles, move them on towards picking a more productive word........words should be based on social caring models or attributes other than physical........however something like Tall Tom might be an exception.

This is a good icebreaker "get to know you exercise" to beginning the school year with. Use this name in class or at home. This will become their "affirmation" and "positive self talk name". Have the child refer to themselves often in these terms also.


Play a "Positive Self-Talk" Game

It is no secrete that positive thinking can be powerful...especially positive thoughts about ourselves and our abilities to solve problems, reach goals, cope with hard times, and accomplish what we set out to do. Positive self-talk creates positive beliefs. Positive beliefs lead to positive attitudes and feeling about our selves and others. Positive attitudes and feelings promote positive behaviors.

1. Have a class discussion about self-talk, both positive and negative. Make sure that students know the difference. Give examples or ask them to give examples. Explain that positive self-talk really works.
NOTE: Remember the story I think I can, I think I can....the little red engine who couldn't make it up the hill.

2. Invite the students to make individual statements about positieve self-talk. Suggest that students keep the list and refer to it often.

3. Have students write brief positive self-talk scripts to keep in their notebooks or at their desk. (Example: "I know I can do this, I have the ability. If I get stuck I can ask for help. I can succeed") When students catch themselves using negative self-talk (or when anyone else catches them) they can read their scripts. After reading the scripts several times many students will have their list memorized. Ask them to close their eyes and take a few deep breaths before repeating their scripts to themselves.

4. Before starting a new class activity, ask students to close their eyes and silently say one or two positive self-talk statment to themselves.

5. Divide the class into small groups. Have each group come up with a list of negative self-talk statement. Then brainstrom positive self-talk statements. Afterwards the groups can share their list with the class.

6. Have students complete "Good for You" certificates or "I'm no Bully" buttons for themselves, describing their own acheviements and accomplishments.



Building Self Esteem

Star Charts
Create a separate chart for each student. Whenever he or she does something positive or helpful, write it on the chart and decorate it with a star. Or create charts listing specific positive/helpful behaviors you want to encourage in your classroom or home.

Play a Positive Self-Talk Game
Write a series of put-downs or nasty names on individual slips of paper. Or invite students to do this, but make use you read them afterwards to make sure they are not too nasty, personal, racist, ect.

Drop the slips into a hat. Invite one student to draw a slip and give it to you. Write the "put down" on the chaldboard.

Tell the class that they have your permission to call the student that name just for now because you are gling to play a game.

Have the class form two lines with enough space between then for you and the students to walk comfortably. As you and the student walk through the group, the other students call him or her the name or use the put down. Meanwhile you whisper positive comments in the students ear. ( You are not like that. You can stay calm. Don't believe what they say You are more mature than they are."

Next the student walks back through the group alone, using positive self-talk. ( I'm not like that. I can stay calm")

Repeat this game with the other students. Afterwards talk about how they felt when you wispered positive things into their ears. And how they felt when they used positive self-talk.



The "no tattle tale rule" is in direct opposistion with stopping bullying. Stopping bullying means that everyone needs to have a voice and know that they are heard. The situation needs to be brought out into the open and dealt with. This requires that children feel free to express that they are being bullied and that adults listen. Zero tolerance, talking about it and working towards a better solution need to be the norm.

Put a Teachers Box in your class room. Children can then put notes into the box stating that they have been involved in a bully situation. This will start the conversation.
To explain the purpose of the box you might say.
Here is another way for you to communicate with me. If there is anything you want to tell me about...a problem you are having at school, a classroom issue, or anything that you would like for me to know.....just write me a note and drop it in the box. I'm the only person who will open the box. I'm the only person who will read the notes inside. I will check the messages at the end of the day.
You can aslo use the box to tell me about bullying in our classroom. You can write about bullying that happens to you, or bullying you witness personally. If you have been bullying someone else and you want to stop, you can write about that also.




Teach Positive Ways to Feel Powerful

Offer bullies positive ways to channel their need for power. Here are 10 examples and ideas to try.

1. In one school, officials learned that an older student was harassing younger students. The school counselor took the bully aside, told him that someone was picking on the little kids in the school and asked him to help. The bully became a guardian.
2. In another school, bullies were sent to clean up the kindergarten classroon as a subtle form of punishment. The kindergartners then wrote thank you notes to the bullies and made the bullies feel good about themselves.
3. Consider having bullies hand out awards to students who have done good deed, taken part in social service projects, helped other srudents, or otherwise set positive examples for others to emulate.
4. There is pwer in correcting mistakes and righting wrongs. Emphasize that mistakes are for learning and wrongs are opportunities to step forward, be a leader and win well deserved adminiration from peers and adults.
5.Assign bullies to watch out for and help students who are especially timid or shy. Encourage them to feel good about protecting their new friends.
6. Some experts suggest holding bullies responsible for the safety and well being of their victims. If something happens to their victims the bullies suffer the consequence........even if someone else did the deed.
7. Encourage bullies to get involved in school activities....plays, sports, clubs, ect. If there is nothing that they are interested in.......suggest that they start a club or group of their choosing.
8. Ask your school counselor or physhologist to assess bullies' self esteem. It is a myth that all bullies have low self esteem. In fact some have highself esteem. If bullies are found to have low self esteem, start a group or program to help them.
9. Doing good by helping others is a powerful feeling.
10. Invite bullies to brainstorm their own ideas for being powerful without hurting or intimidating others. Express confidence in their ability to come up with good strategies.



Conflict Resolution Stories
brought to you by Conflict Mediation Network.

NOTE:Use this story to start a conversation about:
Have the kids ever heard a story similiar to this one.
There are always 2 sides to a conflict.
Was the little girl a bully? Why?
What happens when you jump to conclusions?
What could they all have done to solve the conflict?

The Wolf
Once upon a time there was a wolf. He was the guardian of the forest, picking up trash left by campers, putting out camp fires to help Smokey the Bear and being a good stward of the forest. He loved the forest and worked very hard to make sure that the forest was healthy and safe for all the creatures, including people.

One day as he was out doing his job, he came across a girl all dressed in a red cloak. She had the red hood pulled up around her head so that you could not see her. She looked very scary, all wrapped up and hidden in her red cloak.

She was dropping candy wrappers and other garbage all over the forest, leaving an unsightly mess every where she went. The wolf asked her what she was doing in the forest....and why she was leaving garbage all over the forest.

The girl answered in a most impolite and disrepectful manner that she was on her way to her grandma's house and it was none of the wolf's business what she did in the forest. She would leave garbage where ever she wanted to.

The wolf had some concerns but he told her to have a safe journey and then he picked up her garbage.

Some time later as he passed near her grandmothers house he ran across her again . He would have passed on by but there was a lot of yelling and angry talking....the girl and her grandma were having a very loud conflict........ so he decided to see what was happening......thinking that maybe he could be of assistance and help the people out since he was the guardian of the forest.

When the girl in the red cloak saw him...she began to make fun of him, as this was what she had learned to do. Since he was a kind and loving wolf, he tried very hard to feel tolerance for her and get to the bottom of the conflict between the girl and her grandmother.

"What big eyes you have wolf" said the girl. "The better to see things with at night, my Dear." he replied.

He tried to not let her words bother him. He could appreciate that since the little girl did not have such big eyes that worked well at night, she probably didn't have a understanding of why his big eyes were important to him. He hoped that some day he could have a conversation with her about why his big eyes were important to him. He made the mistake of "putting off" the conversation for another day.

"What big ears you have wolf.....don't they get in your way.....I bet you trip oven them they are so big.?" said the girl. The better to hear hurt creatures in the forest with, my Dear" he relpied.

He loved his big ears...they helped him hear hurt creatures in the forest and bring them to safety. He felt hurt that she would attack him for having such big and wonderful ears. Some day he would like to tell her about why he loved his big ears....and again he made the mistake of saving the conversation for another day.

"What a big nose you have wolf" said the girl. "The better to smell forest fires early, my Dear" he replied.

His nose was important to him as it helped him smell forest fires early so that he could put them out before the forest was burned down and it made him feel sad that the little girl did not appreciate his nose. He felt that all these things were very personal and did not appreciate the attacts but he let it go by using his colm down and anger management skills. Some day he would like to have a conversation with the little girl about who he was.

"What big, ugly, crocked teeth you have wolf" said the girl.

Well the wolf was really hurt by this. He had always wanted to go to the Orthodontist to have his teeth straightened but he was a poor wolf and could not afford to pay for an Orthodontist, so he had never been able to have the work done. He had had to learn to love his big, crocked teeth just like they were.

This time the wolf could only snarl as his feeling were terribly hurt and he was feeling ver frustrated. He knew that he should not have snarled at the little girl......but....he was having a hard time controlling his feeling. He was feeling that he needed some help.....but he didn't know who to turn to.

All of a sudden the little girl and her grandma began to yell and scream at each other even louder. A woods man heard them and came running to see what was happening.

When the woods man got there, the little girl and the grandma began yelling that the wolf was trying to eat them, with his big, crocked teeth.......they were ashamed of the fact that they were having such a big conflict together and decided to blame it on someone else. After all the wold had snarled at them.

The woods man took one look at the situation and jumped to the conclusion that it must be the wolf who was to blame for the conflict. The woods man began to chase the wolf and began to accuse the wolf of all kinds of things that were not true.

The wolf had to run away to save his life. He felt like a failure. The worst part was that his reputation had been tarnished as the story go out to the newspapers that he had attacked the girl in the red hooded cloak and her grandmother.

No one asked him his side of the story. It made it hard for him to be the guardian of the forest as some people did not trust him anymore. He felt neglected that no one had asked him to talk about it. He felt that if they had been able to talk .....they could have come up with a solution......and perhaps the girl and the granmother.....and himself..... could have learned better ways to solve their conflicts without hurting someone.

Ask the kids these questions: Was there something that started the conflict? Which conflict?
Could the conflicts have been avoided?
Could they have been handled better? By whom? How?
What could the little girl have done differently?
What could the grandmother have done differently?
What could the woods man have done differently?
What are your recommendations that would help these people not get into another conflict. Which people?
The Little Princess

There once was a lovely little Princess, who lived in a big castle with her family. She was very talented, bright and smart. She was kind and caring. She was also very beautiful and graceful. Everyone loved to hear her sing with her lovely voice and watch her dance with her gracefullness .....she was always quick to answer a puzzler or riddle. She was a joy to be around and people loved her bacause she made them all feel special.... she made everyone feel happy.....because she was always happy.

One year her father had to go off to war in a land far away. The little princess loved her father very much and missed him terribly. He would send her letters and call her on the phone..... but things were just not the same without him around all the time....and..... Now that her father was away...her mother was very busy "running the kingdom" and didn't have as much time to spend with the little princess either. The little princess felt very sad. It was not easy for her to talk about her feelings.

She was so sad that it was hard to study........it was hard to be happy.....it was hard to be anything but sad. Her grades began to drop, she just didn't care. People at school began to make fun of her....they called her "DOPEY MOPEY" becasue she just didn't seem to be her self....and her grades were not as good.

Her mother and teachers were always saying "You can do better than this." "You know better than this." "Don't you know what will happen if you don't get good grades in school?". "You have so many reasons to be happy". "Don't you want to be a success?" Her friends were always saying "You are weird." She felt very confused and didn't know what to do.....so she just got sadder......and sadder.....and her grades got worse and worse.......and her singing wouldn't come out........ and her dancing wouldn't either....... and her brain couldn't remember her math.

One night while she was sleeping, a group of nasty Trolls slipped into her room. They could see that she was sad and alone...... when ever trolls are around they like to make people feel bad.....this is because trolls feel bad about themselves and want every one else to feel bad also.....just like themselves ....... the trolls spent the night running around her room, making lots of noise and keeping her from getting a sound sleep.. They whispered "put downs" in her ear. They told how "Bad she was".....and that "she looked and acted just like a troll"..........which was a part of the magic.....they wanted her to feel bad about herself.....just like themselves......it makes them feel more powerful. They cast a spell on the mirror in her room so that when she looked into the mirror she would think that she looked like a troll....just like them.

The next morning when the little princess got up from bed she looked in her mirror just like she always did. But this morning she looked different. It seems like her nose looked bigger and her hair looked like it was sad....just like the rest of her. She took a deep breath and went about her day....but she just couldn't put on a happy face. She couldn't think of anything good to say to herself.

That day at school she failed her math test, she got called "DOPEY MOPEY" and her friend said "you live in a lovely castle...you have everything......what do you have to be sad about"...... and when she went home that night she got into an arguement with her mother.

That night after the little princess went to sleep the trolls came back to her room and again they ran around and kept her from getting a good night sleep ... they whispered "put downs" in her ear and told here that she looked and acted just like a troll. When she got up in the morning and looked into the mirror.........this time she saw a big wort on her even bigger noise...... her hair looked even sadder........just like the rest of her........ and it looked to her like her feet had gotten bigger......so big in fact that she had a hard time walking because they got in her way.

When she went to school that day it was horrible. She got into a fight with her best friend after her friend called her "DOPEY MOPEY" and said that the little princess was "ACTING WEIRD". The little princess called her friend "STUPID" and hit her......the next thing you know they were having a fight. To make matters worse.....now everyone at school was calling her "Mean" and a "Bully". The teacher scolded her and the school called her mother. She had to stay in detention after school. When she got home that afternoon...she began to cry....but her mother who was very busy said "Stop acting like a baby".

She really wanted to talk to someone but everyone was too busy.......and she wan't very good at talking about her feelings......and she felt embarrased that her nose was so big and her feet were so big...and that she was so mean and a bully. Maybe if she didn't say anything no one would notice...... It seemed to the little princess like no one really cared any way.

This went on for some time. The trolls kept coming to her at night, keeping her awake, whispering "put downs" in her ear......and every morning when she woke up and looked into her mirror.......she looked worse....... Until finally she began to believe that she looked just like a troll>BR>
The more she believed that she looked like a troll..... the worse her behavior became....the worse her grades became..... the more kids at school made fun of her....... and the more upset she became. She couldn't think of anything nice to say to herself. She was in a real pickle.

One night she had a hard time going to sleep... when the trolls came that night...they thought that she was asleep.....but she really wasn't. She heard them boasting to each other that the little princess really was beginning to think that she looked like a troll and...... soon she would trun into one....just like them.

The little priness pondered this all morning and all afternoon. She began to wonder if it was true? Did she really look like a troll......Had she been acting like a troll?..She began to remember the part of herself that felt good about herself and was proud of who she was......she began to tell herself that she could change......she began to tell herself that things would be all right. She began to tell herself that although she was very sad about her father being gone.....and her mother being really busy.......she still had many things to be happy for.

That night when the trolls came she was ready......she jumped out of bed and told them to leave. She told them that she was not really a troll and would not become like them. She began to feel proud of herself again.

The trolls were angry becasue they had lost their control over her.......and some went away and didn't come back.....but some of them began to remember that they were not really trollls after all......but had been turned into trolls by trolls who wanted them to be just like them.....and these trolls began to remember. They began to remember when they use to feel good about themselves......and they began to turn back into their old selves.....They thanked the little princess for the oportunity to remember who they really were.

The little princess was still sad.....but she began to remember who she was and began to feel better about herself....... and school......and her friends. She began to feel better about her mother also.

One day her mother came to her and said "I am sorry that I have been so busy. I feel that you have been really sad. I have felt sad also and I have been afraid to tell you just how I have felt......because I didn't want to make you feel sadder. Would you like to talk about it?" They sat right down and had a big conversation about how they were feeling and how they could like it better.

So the little princess and her mother sat down and had a talk about how much the little princess missed her father......about how sad it made her feel.....about how hard it is to talk about your feelings........and about how the kids were teasing her at school.

The little princess, her mother, the teacher and the kids in her class all sat down and had a conversation about all these things.......and even though the little princess still felt sad......things got better and before you know it .......she could sing and dance.... and her grades got better..... and the kids didn't tease her so much...... and she began to feel good about herself again. .....and it got easier to talk about how she was feeling.

Ask the kids these questions: What were some of the feeling that helped create this conflict?
What do you think was going on with the little princess? Why was she acting out?
Did her feelings have something to do with the way she was acting?
What were her feelings? The teachers feelings? The mothers feelings.
Do you ever have feeling like that?
What was happening to the pricess while the tolls whispering mean things in her ears?
What happened when the little pricess began to use positive self talk with herself?
Can telling yourself positive things help?
Could the conflict have been avoided?
Could it have been handled better? By whom? How?
What could the little princess have done differently?
What could the teacher have done differently?
What could the mother have done differently?
What are your recommendations that would help these people not get into another conflict. Which people?


Team Building

Establish a set of "GROUND RULES"
Have the children (or your partner) brainstorm what good behavior looks like. If it is a classroom situation, do this a the very beginning of the year.

Guide the group to help them formulate what good behavior looks like, what it means to be respectful, kind and caring, what does bullying looks like, how does it feel and what should be done about it.

Make a colorful chart listing the suggestions and post it in the classroom or home to be refered to often as things come up. Children and adults who work together to develop this guidline will have a much easier time following and implimenting the plan if they help to develop it. Developing ground rules together gives everyone a greater sense of "ownership" than if the rules are laid out for them in advance.

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